STFU, Small-Talkers.

Here's a fun fact about me...I despise small talk. I know that seems to go against my personality a bit, but I HATE IT. I would rather be attacked by a pack of wild dogs than make bullshit chit-chat with a near stranger.

In the morning, I have a very long walk/shuttle ride (depending on my level of lazy that particular morning) from the garage to my office, and endless opportunities to have to make pleasantries with people I don't know, barely know, wish I didn't know, or even know very well. To me, the walk from the garage to my office (and from my office to the garage in the afternoon) is my time to 1) in the morning, wake up and steel myself against what I've got on my list for the day and 2) in the afternoon, decompress from said list and chill out before getting into traffic. It never fails that I run into someone I know. I can't go ANYWHERE without seeing someone I know. I'm always having to say hello, ask how they're doing (even though I don't care), whatever. I hate that. I know they hate it and don't really care how I am, either, but social norms mandate the bullshit small talk.

Anyway...my point. When I'm wearing earbuds, it's easy to ignore them, pretending I'm listening to whatever at an ear-splitting volume. Also, most people will see them and get the idea that I don't want to be bothered. This morning, though, I was forced to sit next to someone on the shuttle. (Another pet peeve of mine, for no good reason.) I had coffee with me and was listening to the Free Beer and Hot Wings podcast from yesterday. I hear some jabbering to my right. I look over and she's smiling some shit-eating grin. I had to squash the immediate impulse to roll my eyes as I removed the thing from my ear. She laughs, *donkey laugh* "Imma trah not to steal yore cawfee! It smayulls so goouhd!!!" *more donkey laughter* Lady, kindly go fuck yourself. It's 7:15am. I don't have the foggiest clue who you are. Oh, and touch my coffee and I will murder you in cold blood.
 
She goes on to read my name badge and inquire all about my job. I'm about 15 seconds away from asking her if she's ever been waterboarded with hot coffee. But I smile politely and answer with short, curt responses. Thankfully, as we exited the shuttle, we went in different directions. She has no idea how close she came to torture and death.

Trash TV

I heart TV. "Hi, my name is Melanie, and I'm a TV Junkie." This is no secret. I've talked about The Sopranos and Sex and the City on here, but I haven't quite delved into my love for trash yet. And I do mean trash. I probably haven't mentioned it because I should be COMPLETELY ashamed I watch such garbage. But I'm not ashamed. Not even a little bit.

Love isn't quite the word I'm looking for here, though. It's more of an obsession. I don't even like some of these shows, yet I can't stop watching.

You might be wondering, "Gee...just what consitutes Trash TV?" I'm glad you asked.

Like many of you, I've noticed the trend towards Jersey-Worship. I can't say that I've really been hooked into "Jerseylicious" or "Jersey Couture", but I sure as hell got sucked into "Jersey Shore" and "The Real Housewives of New Jersey". These shows fall into the category of, "I don't really like them, but I can't stop watching." Jersey Shore really needs no explanation. It's just a trainwreck. Observe:

Crazy as it may seem, I say I love the Real Housewives, but I've only seen a couple of episodes. By the time I found it, they weren't on TV anymore. But let me tell you, I could buy into that. Big hair, big money, big ego, shady mafia connections...sign me up! LOL

I'm also hooked on other train-wrecky shows that feature ACTUAL train-wrecky situations. For instance, Intervention, Hoarders, Little Miss Perfect, Toddlers and Tiaras, and 16 and Pregnant. (Also Teen Mom.) These shows suck you in from the beginning. If you tune in about halfway through, it's possible to change the channel, but I'm convinced that during the opening sequences of ALL these shows, there is subliminal messaging imbedded that will program my mind to watch the entire thing. Try it.

What else? Well...there's Glee. I did love Glee, but it kinda started sucking. I'm really not sure why I even like Glee...I hate musicals. No, wait. Let me rephrase, I would rather poke my eyes out with a toothpick than watch a musical. I probably won't watch the second season.

Trashy talk shows are on the list, too, specifically...Maury Povich. I'm sorry, but it doesn't get any better or trashier than good old Maury Povich. I need to know who the frickin baby daddy is, and I need to see the inevitable blow-up that ensues after the test results are revealed. I'm convinced it can't all be real, though. I mean, really. Seriously? No one really acts like that, do they? Nonetheless, it's quintessential Trash TV.

I'm starting to get all attention-deficit here since I'm blogging at work, so I'll finish this up with a list, in no particular order, of TV shows that I am guaranteed to watch if I see that they are on.

1.  Good Eats
2.  Parking Wars
3.  Pawn Stars
4.  Dateline NBC
5.  20/20
6.  Paula's Home Cooking
7.  The Andy Griffith Show
8.  Roseanne
9.  Mama's Family
10. Full House
11. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
12. The Office
13. Family Guy
14. American Dad
15. Dog the Bounty Hunter
16. Nurse Jackie
17. The United States of Tara
18. The Sopranos (yes, even edited on A&E)
19. Sex and the City
20. Eastbound and Down
21. Big Love
22. Seinfeld
23. The History Channel (I lump them all together, because I will watch this shit all day.)
24. A&E's Biography
25. MTV's True Life

Okay, shit. I have to stop at 25. Looking at all that, when the hell do I have time to do anything else? Damn, I need therapy. Or rehab. But whatever, dude. I don't have kids to schlep all over creation for dance lessons or baseball practice, and I gotta watch SOMETHING while I fold towels and drink coffee. So there you have it. Married people with no kids get to enjoy grown-up TV. So suck on that.

Flashbacks!

V12 found a blog that has seriously rocked my world. We both want to find this girl and be her BFF. (Also, Allie Brosh.)

BSC Headquarters

Anyone who was a 3rd-6th grader in the mid-80s to early-90s is more than familiar with The Baby-Sitters Club, and this girl is no exception. She's a librarian in her mid-20s who loved the series as a kid, and now that she can get her hands on them again, she's reading/reviewing them from the adult point-of-view.

I'm dying over here. She is HYSTERICALLY funny, and you can tell she still loves the BSC, but she doesn't hold back on pointing out the lameness that we all missed as kids. And the outfits...I can't even begin to tell you how she tears apart all the clothes described in the series. (And after looking back, it's no wonder V12 and I dressed like homeless Madonna wannabes. We took all our cues from Stacey and Claudia, who were "sophisticated" fashion icons!)

The swears are free-flowing...she refers to the girls as "these bitches" a lot. That cracks me up for some reason. V12 and I both agree that something about the way she says, "The fuck?" instead of "What the fuck?" adds a whole new level of WTF.

That's my half-assed, half-dead synopsis of my new favorite blog. Visit it now. Oh wait...Ronan just posted again. I have a different favorite blog now. LOL It's safe to say that all the blogs listed to the right are all my favorite.

Gotta go work now. They pay me to do that, you know.

Stream of Conciousness

My mind is in 593 different places right now, so I thought I'd write a post to reflect that. Bear with me. Should be interesting...maybe even a bit scary to get into my brain.

This weekend I saw a video on MTV. This, in itself, is strange on two accounts. 1) I saw a VIDEO on MTV. I honestly thought I'd time-traveled back about 15 years. 2) MTV was on at my house. I must have been watching True Life or something when I went to sleep. Anyway, the Katy Perry video for "California Gurls" was on. (V12 says they're playing the song to death on the radio, but I mostly listen to podcasts of Free Beer and Hot Wings while I'm driving, so I haven't heard it on the radio.) It was a bizarre video, and Snoop Dogg was in it wearing a suit made to look like a Candyland game board.

So, during the chorus of the song, Katy says, "California girls, we're unforgettable...Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top..." Okay, Katy. I'm not sure what you're thinking. Very short shorts are called "Daisy Dukes" because frickin Daisy Duke from Dukes of Hazzard made them notable. Did Dukes of Hazzard take place in California? NO. I don't think so. Daisy Dukes are most definitely a Southern thing. I realize this is stupid, but it annoyed me slightly, so therefore y'all get to hear about it.

So that led me to think about other music that I like. (I'm not sure I actually "like" that song, but it's catchy, and it gets stuck in my head.) As I make a list of things I need to get from iTunes, I realize that maybe I should never show said list to anyone, EVER. I have the shittiest taste in music. Let's put my iPod on shuffle, shall we? Seriously...I'm going to start playing it, and the first 15 songs that shuffle through, I'll list.

1)  "American Idiot" by Green day
2)  "Strangers in the Night" by Frank Sinatra
3)  "Theme from New York, New York" also by Mr. Francis Albert
4)  "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John
5)  "Suavemente" by Elvis Crespo
6)  "Make that Ass Clap" by Project Pat
7)  "Baby I Believe in You" by New Kids on the Block
8)  "Miss World" by Hole
9)  "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" by Boyz II Men
10) "Pretty Please (Love Me)" by Estelle, feat. Cee-Lo
11) "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins
12) "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga
13) "3" by Britney Spears
14) "No Tell Lover" by Chicago
15) "Rooster" by Alice in Chains

Now, I have almost 2000 songs on my iPod, so that's just a small sampling. When I got my iPod (from V12 as a hand-me-down, which are the BEST iPods to get b/c they already have songs on them!), it had almost 3500. Sorry, girl, I had to get rid of a bunch of stuff. Every once in a while, a song will come on, and I'll just have to laugh b/c I know it's a V12 Special. Just believe me when I say that it's full of garbage that I love and adore, but no one else in their right mind probably would. Lots of songs I have to turn down at stop lights so people won't know I'm lame. (Please reference #7 on the list.)

I have a couple of books on hold at the library that I need to remember to pick up today, or they'll put them back on the shelf. Two are books by Paul Burrell about Princess Diana. V12's mom recommended them to me after the expo last weekend, and I need some mindless reading. Another one is Wiseguy by Nicholas Pileggi. That's the book Goodfellas was made from. Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that Goodfellas is one of my favorite movies. (Top Three, for sure, right along with Coal Miner's Daughter and Forrest Gump.) I love the mob movies and TV shows. I'm totally hooked on The Sopranos, and Husband has banned me from watching Goodfellas if he's around. He loves the movie, too, and I've made him watch it with me so many times that he says I'm close to ruining it for him. I can't help it.

I'm probably on some kind of federal watch list, according to what I've checked out from the library. Go down my list and it's books by Jen Lancaster, other chick lit that Jen tells me to read (I'm such a follower), books about polygamy (every book the library has about polygamy, specifically those nutjobs in Utah and Arizona), a book about the BTK killer, and mafia books.

Which reminds me...after the library I need to stop at the Redbox, b/c I reserved Capitalism: A Love Story last night, and it needs to be picked up before 9:00pm. Another lame thing I love...documentaries. The last couple of movies I got from Netflix were The Business of Being Born, Ricki Lake's movie about birthing experiences in America, and Food, Inc, a movie about the food industry in America. Sickening, by the way.

That's about all I can work in for right now. I've taken my 30 minute, uninterrupted lunch break, so back to the grind for me.

Just Kill Me.

I'm not cut out for work. I'm just not! I try to pretend I enjoy working, but I don't. I hate every minute of it. I took a couple of days off in April, and wound up just staying at home...I was the PERFECT housewife for those 2 days! Even Husband said that we would eat so much better if I didn't have a job. I'd have time to actually make healthy stuff to eat, the laundry would always be caught up, the house would always be clean.

REMIND ME TO BUY A LOTTO TICKET!

Anyway, last time I posted (100 years ago), I mentioned I was going to be doing something fun over the weekend. And I did. V12 and I took her mom to Atlanta to the Princess Diana exhibition, which was held at the Atlanta Civic Center. It was fabulous. The Spencers put it together...you know, people who actually LIKED her. No photos were allowed, but I managed to sneak a couple...

And then, of course, there's the one thing we all came to see and drool over:

It. Was. Beautiful. It seemed so simple, well...minus the 25 foot train, ruffled neckline, and poofy sleeves. There wasn't a lot of beadwork or sparkle to it, just elegant and gorgeous. According to the signage, it cost £1000, which was around $1900. Can you believe that? Translated into today's dollar, that's still only $4500. Most designer dresses cost more than that today. That blew my mind. There were lots of pictures and a video loop of the wedding, and she was just so beautiful.

There were a lot of her personal effects on display, and lots of her clothes. And then there was the room that held all of the things related to her death. A video loop played of the funeral and of her boys, Charles, Prince Philip, and her borther following her casket through the streets of London. Elton John's song was playing in this room. So sad.

It was a great trip! We didn't run into any Bonarroo traffic, but we did wave to the festival as we sped past on I-24, and we waved/hollered to T-Bird, who was sweating her ass off somewhere amidst the sea of campers.

This Saturday, I plan on having one of my Perfect Saturdays. It's mom's birthday, so she might come over and snuggle her granddog. Other than that...not leaving the house. It's been a C.R.A.Z.Y. week here at work, and I need to give my brain a break. People expect too much of me. I mean, you want me to be here ON TIME, stay ALL DAY, and do work while I here? Seriously? I'm no slave.

Ready for a break!

Work is getting really crazy. We're trying to expand, yet there are physical space constraints to our expansion. We really don't have any choice but to expand, as our patient volume is growing by leaps and bounds, yet there is no money for a new space. This is presenting some serious challenges. Pair that with calendars that don't even have time for potty breaks, and it's going to be a busy summer.

And that's just work!

T-Bird comes home today. For good. She'll be establishing her social life again here, and V12 and I will most likely be a part of it. That's going to be an adjustment, as I currently have very little social life. It'll be a good thing, but still an adjustment nonetheless. I need to come out of my shell again...I've been good about retreating these past few years.

Church is also going to be busy this summer. Our pastor is leaving, and normally the choir takes a summer break during the month of July. Since the new pastor starts July 4th, the leaders thought it would be best for the choir to remain in service during all of July. Getting to know the new pastor should be interesting. I'm trying my hardest not to pre-judge him simply on the fact that he isn't Jay. That's not fair to him. I'm definitely going to miss Jay, though. He's been such a great pastor for 7 years, and he will truly be missed! (Even my staunchly Southern Baptist grandparents like him!)

I wish I had more time to blog in-depth, but I have more cats to herd...I MEAN...meetings and interviews to schedule. And meeting minutes to type. And copies to make. Oh, the life of a secretary. It is SO demanding. I promise I'll have more fluff nonsense to post about soon. In particular, V12 and I are taking a day trip to Atlanta this weekend for something very fun. Pictures and details will come probably Sunday or Monday. But trust me when I say...it's gonna be awesome!

You should know this guy.

Oh Ronan. You wrote me a heart-felt poem about how much you love me. Am I going to do that? Nope. I'll pimp your blog, because you're fucking HILARIOUS and people need to know you. And I'll post pictures of you that you wish never existed. That's how I show MY love, darling.

Everyone, meet Ronan.

Ronan is...well, just read his blog to find out who he is. It's pretty self explanatory. I'll only add a few things about him.

1.  He makes me laugh until I pee.

2.  It is my goal in life to annoy the piss out of him.

3.  I am the little sister he never wanted.

4.  He is a complete sucker for animals, and you should give him shit for it.

5.  He's just awesome in general.

So yeah, go visit his blog.

http://www.trainwreckofalife.wordpress.com/

So Ronan, my darling, until our next fake-wine-and-fancy-cheese picnic or rented convertible ride to Hurricane Mills to stalk the lovely and talented Mrs. Loretta Lynn...I'm calling in 10 minutes. In the meantime, readers-who-don't-really-exist, enjoy these fun pictures of him!